Decisions, decisions . . .
I'm having a hard time with this one and I'm not sure what the tipping point will be.
Should we switch to a new endochrinologist or stay with the one we have?
The thing is, Josh just isn't doing as well as I'd like him to be doing. His numbers are still fairly high. I know that isn't her fault. I guess I put most of the blame on me, honestly, or at least I carry it. I think if I knew more, if I was doing it better, if I did this or that more accurately, maybe his numbers would be better. But I also know I need more guidance. And I just have never felt comfortable with the "one-size fit-all" approach that I feel like we sometimes get handed. Maybe that's not a fair assessment. But just for example: the old 15 carbs for 15 minutes to treat a low. Well, not necessarily. Depends on the weight of the child, the amount of the low, the target you want to raise to. Or what about the idea of getting 3 days out of a site. Well that didn't work for us. We are now doing changes every 2 days, and that isn't working great either. I want to know more, and I want better control of Josh's D. I hate that it feels like I'm always chasing it, always spinning the wheel to see what I'll get. And then wondering what it's going to mean for him years down the road. Do I really want to just keep shrugging my shoulders and throwing my hands up and letting D be in control? I don't feel like I'm getting enough tools from my endo right now. And in fact sometimes I feel like she's working against me.
One time I went in when Josh was really struggling with having a lot of anxiety. He was having a hard time differentiating between lows and what he called "the scared feeling." This was a constant daily thing for awhile. When I would test him he would often be in the 200 range at these times. I felt sure that there was some blood sugar connection to his anxiety, but my endo refused to even consider it. When I tried to talk to her about it, she talked to me like it was me who was causing the problem. I was testing too often (10x a day) and if I would just let him be a little boy and have a break from his Diabetes, he would probably feel better. She suggested that my night checks were unnecessary. That none of her patients do night checks. Basically she made me feel like crap. When you spend so much time worrying and thinking and re-thinking and doing all you can to make your child be as well as he can be, you would at least like some support from the doc. I didn't get that.
So why is there even a decision right? Well, I'm hung up on the whole moving away from the hospital connection thing. His endo is the one we had straight out of the hospital. We go to the children's hospital for his appointments. He gets all his tests and blood work there. They have a nutritionist there. And now that he is being seen for OCD, his psychologist is there too. If he ever has to go back to the hospital, which I am assuming he will at some point happen, everything is there, all his records, his docs, etc. I guess I am just afraid to cut that cord.
So why not see another doc at the hospital? I don't know. I guess because I feel awkward about it. Isn't that dumb! Why should I care. She doesn't care about me feeling like crap. But still, that's how I feel.
So, there's my dilemma. I know I need to do something. What we're doing now isn't working. It isn't what's best for Josh. It's just making the right decision that's holding me up. I think I just have to make the leap and let the cards fall where they may. But uggghhh! It's hard!
